Synonyms (A Grandma Update)

Grandma got her sutures out on Friday. She had a seizure while she was at the doctor's office and was put on two extra Keppra a day. For anyone luckily not in the know, Keppra can make a person "irritable". Irritable is such a weak word for it; it truly is. My precious Random House dictionary defines irritable as "easily irritated or annoyed; readily excited to impatience or anger." One of the synonyms is irascible, which apparently means "habitually angry or easily aroused to anger." I tend to think this is more appropriate for my grandmother.

She is trapped in a failing body and is ready to leave, I think. So, she takes her frustration out on the two easiest targets: Mom and I. Last night it was because I made dinner. However, I made chicken and rice. According to my grandmother I would be lost without rice because that's all I make (not true). It is simply the easiest thing that I can make well. She hates it when I make pasta. She hates it when I make potatoes lately (please don't ask me why). She hates meat. She hates vegetables. She's living on pierogies, waffles (at times) and a few other things she'll actually eat for Mom and Bea. For me she fights practically everything.

I just want the same grandmother my cousins and brother have. She treats them nicely, decently and lovingly. She is interested in what they do. She laughs at jokes they make. She makes jokes with them. Why can't I have her too?

I ended up crying last night. I don't cry easily. I learned a long time ago that it just makes people think that you're weak and need to get over things/toughen up. I just couldn't help it. I called Mom at work to ask her for an idea of what I could make and she suggested a baked potato (which she didn't want). I ended up crying on the phone. I, of course, apologized to her, but she was saying it was okay to cry. I know it is at times, but I've been taught at the same time (by experience) that it's never okay to cry. You cry and people think you can't function in the real world, which is rough so shut up and get tough. Mom said I should let Grandma see that I had been crying; that it might make her realize what she says and does hurts me. Yeah, right. My grandmother is the original stoic. She doesn't cry for anything. I imagine she cried when my grandfather and her parents died, but that's about it. She's bottled everything inside and is now letting it out in full force on Mom and I.

Is this what I'll become?