Women don't actually need any rights, right?

Well, the Shrub's done it again. This time his assault on womens' reproductive rights is a White House Rule through the Health and Human Services department that is meant to "protect the moral and religious objections" of medical workers who object to abortions or sterilization. The major problem is that the wording is so vague it could end up being applied to simple birth control - among other things. Of course, my feeling is that if a doc or even the person sterilizing the instruments (protected under this proposed rule) has such a strong objection to what they're expected to do in their daily jobs, they should be looking for another one, not expecting me to curtail my rights to please theirs to be an ass.

Here's a link to an Adobe Acrobat pdf of the whole rule: http://www.hhs.gov/news/press/2008pres/08/20080821reg.pdf

Read it and see if you have a problem with it. If so, contact the White House before September 25, which is the deadline for public commentary. If you want to leave a comment at the main site, use this link: http://www.regulations.gov/search/index.jsp. Of course, I just tried finding the proposed rule using all the search criteria I could think of and didn't, so good luck that way.

There are plenty of online groups that are already circualting petitions like the NARAL, NOW, Planned Parenthood and MoveOn.org. However, a personal letter with specific insights from the proposed rule itself might be more effective.

Now, to read it more thoroughly and figure out what I'll be using for my letters, one to the editors of the Times and one to the Health and Human Services Department.

Ugh! Shall we all be barefoot and pregnant, ladies?

Mom just had to spoon-feed Grandma because she was refusing to eat. I don't know how much of this I can take. I asked Mom if it really was time to look at a nursing home and she said they'd not feed her, just insert a feeding tube, which Grandma has refused to have before. I think I'm reaching the end of my rope. I know she'd never let me spoon-feed her if I have to. She doesn't even speak to me if she can at all avoid it, but for the insults she hurls at my head.

Head hurts...

I really hate my head. I've been alternating between shooting pains behind my left eye to dizziness to just a plain headache all day. I took four pills to get through the workday and somehow managed to stay nice to everyone.

Migraines suck. And I've put up with the computer screen long enough to burn the discs I promised for a friend and I'm getting off. Need to do one more load of laundry then I'm going down for the count.

Wish grandma good luck at her doctor's appointment, everyone. She's going to need it with her health and behavior the last few days on top of this thyroid mass.

Stitching Olympics

I've been trying to keep my stitching and my real life separate, even by having a different blog for stitching, but lately they've entwined so much I can't.

I posted that Grandma hurt herself. She's not doing too hot. Wandering from room to room because she can't get comfortable and refusing to give any position a chance to relax. Well, she turns out to have degenerative disc disease (or some name like that) as well as a mass in her thyroid. They did an ultrasound Friday and she has an appointment with her doctor Wednesday to discuss the results. The Vicodin isn't doing much except make her loopy and crueler than usual. At times she's convinced she's really in the hospital and people are walking through the room. Mom's going to talk to her doc about a low-dose morphine patch.

Anyway, the stitching comes in because it is such a relief for me. Mom and others tell me I should make and sell my jewelry, but the stitching is so much more my art, you know? I'm going to show off what I've been doing lately.


This is a chameleon I'm making for my nephew. It's being stitched on Silkweaver's Jungle Fever, 32 count, with DMC threads. I've made slightly more progress on it since I took this picture on August 7th. If I finish page two of the pattern, I'll get the Silver medal and if I finish the whole thing before the Olympics are over, I'll get the Gold medal.

This is a mystery freebie from Papillon Creations, parts 1 through 8. I finished Part 8 around 1 this morning, hence getting my Bronze medal in my LJ community's Stitching Olympics.

And the bug is for myself. It's from The World of Cross-Stitching, a British magazine. It was supposed to have been done in shades of orange and red, but I like green bugs better, so I converted the colors and added beads and the peace sign to hang from the mirror. After I get back from Dragon*Con, I'll make it into a stretched canvas frame to hang in my room.

Shoot me now, please.

Okay, I'm ready to scream. About a week ago Grandma fell and hurt her back. This was right before my aunt's wedding. She's in pain, a lot of it. So, of course, she deals with this by walking from her bedroom to the living room to the bathroom to the living room to the bed again. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! She won't believe us that she'll recover better by staying still!

If I end up in jail tonight charged with murder, leave me there. I need the vacation.

Oh, and my aunt (not TAFH) has arranged with her best friend, Grandma's only reliable caregiver, to watch her new granddaughter instead of Grandma. Selfish fucking bitch. So, now we get to try Telespond and their idiotic boss and unrelaible caregivers again.

The wedding was really nice, though.

What a waste of great DNA

Be proud of me. I managed not to hit someone today. On the bus ride home, I ended up talking to two of the more obnoxious of my fellow bus riders today plus an absolutely gorgeous male specimen whom I had briefly spoken to on the ride up to the mall. Well, when my little conversation with the three men was done I went back to perusing my new stitching magazine. Mr. Gorgeous turns to me and my heart went a little pit-a-pat. Then he opened his mouth and uttered these words: "I think Women's Lib has killed the American family."

Let me back this up and tell you how this started. I got on and was reading my magazine. I suddenly realized all three men were staring at me. I asked what was wrong. Obnoxious Rider #1, responded that they had been talking about sewing. I was reading a sewing magazine (sort of). So, I commented that he knew very well that if I'm not stitching on the bus, I'm reading about it. This is mostly accurate. Mr. Gorgeous then turned to me and said, "I'll bet Rumpelstiltskin was your favorite fairy tale." I scoffed at this and said I preferred stories where the princess ended up saving the prince, totally disregarding the fact that Rumpelstiltskin wasn't exactly about sewing, even if spinning is pretty much the most vital step of getting decent thread to use. There was a little more about women in sports and athletes of all genders and types doping, with a little segueway into David Beckham, but the conversation pretty much died a natural death.

I went back to my magazine. That's when Mr. Gorgeous proved that great genes do not necessarily make a great person. I kept my cool through the whole conversation, even when he brought in the Bible and God making women inferior, yadda yadda. I brought up some polyandrous and matriarchal societies in history that did well. He tried the religion card again and I told him I didn't believe in his and to drop any point he wanted to make that hinged on the religious. He then brought up divorce rates in America and I told him that divorces weren't necessarily bad, see the example of abused women getting out of bad relationships. Here's where the restraint came in, people.

Mr. Gorgeous says that women are abused because they mentally and emotionally abuse their men first and that when said "man" strikes back, he's accused of being in the wrong. Women want to be equal to men, but when they are abused they cry foul. So, basically, it's that old argument that women just ask to be abused.

I did agree with him that there are unhealthy relationships out there, but I did not agree with him that anyone deserves to be hit. In fact, I'm even the one that brought up the fact that there are abusive women out there. I brought up my uncle's relationship with his wife. He's completely whipped. They have scream fights, yes, and she's really in control of the relationship, to his detriment, in my opinion, but he does not strike her. He doesn't, as Mr. Gorgeous contends, get back at her for "abusing him first".

Then Mr. Gorgeous brought up "the mother of his child". Apparently, she talks trash about his deceased mother, who was a drug user. He says he's pushed her, but not hit her. She is apparently a nasty piece of work, so in his mind, she deserves this. My comment to that was that I'd just stay away from her as much as possible, interacting only in regards to the child. Personally, it sounds like he shouldn't be throwing any stones. Too much glass around.

Pity, he really is a gorgeous man: high cheekbones; shaved head; yummy, runner-fit body; creamy, cafe-au-lait skin. What a waste of great DNA.

BBC Squee!

Okay, I am officially as happy as a clam. I just figured out (idiot) that I can download the first three Doctor Who seasons, Torchwood and Robin Hood on iTunes. Let's see, $26 as opposed to the dvd price of $80? Yes! I can finally watch Torchwood.

Down, girl, remember Dragon*Con. So, now I get to choose between the three. I can let myself have one of the seasons. I have a feeling it'll be Torchwood.

After that I'll download Dr. Horrible.

I love iTunes.

Colorado "Personhood" Amendment

As much as I would love to be back in Colorado right now, getting my degree, something is happening there that makes me just want to pull a "Hulk Smash!" I wonder how much of this Tancredo pushed for?

In November, Coloradans will vote on an amendment to the state constitution granting "personhood" to "any human being from the moment of fertilization." The ultimate goal being to stop any and all abortions and overturn Roe v. Wade.

Some of my problems with this proposal:
1. A zygote or embryo cannot live outside the womb. Until the third trimester a fetus cannot live outside the womb. Yes, there have been very rare cases of a twenty-week fetus surviving but as I said, they are very rare and most doctors and medical professionals consider the third trimester to be the viable stage. Even early third trimester, premature births need a lot of TLC to make it with reasonable health. My personal opinion is that until viability is reached, said fetus is not a person. Sorry to sound harsh.
2. If a miscarriage (medical term: spontaneous abortion) happens and some yahoo says the pregnant woman did something to cause it like drink or smoke, this could open her up for criminal negligence charges. Please, if she intended to keep the baby and deliver it, she'll already be torn up by the loss. Charging her afterward is like twisting the knife and pouring salt in the wound at the same time. Women are already being charged under child abuse laws if they drink alcohol or do drugs while pregnant, even if nothing bad happens to the child.
3. If there is a medically necessary procedure that will harm the fetus to save the mother, whose rights are paramount?
4. The old stand-by of rape and incest. What do you do? Using the much-to-often-repeated standard "It's not the child's fault" doesn't negate the irreparable harm a pregnancy carried to term could do to the real victim of such crimes, the woman. Again, until viability, not a child. Would this give the rapist a chance to say he demanded the "child" be born, thus compounding and extending his rape for at least nine months. What a power trip. This amendment would hand him the perfect weapon over his victim - one he could wield continuously for at least nine months. Maybe more. As if having to face him in trial isn't bad enough.
5. Who the hell gave some state or government the right to tell me what to do with my own body? Not me. My body, my choice. Stay the hell out of my uterus.
6. I also object to it because it can ultimately be used to halt vital stem cell research into diseases like Parkinson's and spinal cord injuries (to name the most famous). Now, I do think that if using adult stem cells could yield positive results, we should study that, as well. Whatever works the best.
7. What would happen in the case of in vitro fertilized eggs that haven't been implanted and are slated to be destroyed? Do they automatically have to be implanted and given a chance to develop into infants? Who has to carry or pay for them? Honestly, frozen eggs are enough of a pitfall, shall we add more to an already dodgy subject?
8. Do we really want to return (as if we've really left) to the back-alley, coat hanger abortion days? This would simply serve to drive women with no other option to it. Septicemia, bleeding out, permanent injury? Yeah, we really look forward to this type of thing again.

Dianne N. Irving says some interesting things about the proposed amendment, actually. Worth a read.
Also, read this .pdf by JAMA bout fetal pain.

*sigh* There is so much more that's wrong with this asinine attempt to control women's bodies and minds.

*Fume*

A few days ago I posted the link to the Live Long and Marry auction site. I had been trying to figure out if I had time or money to do something for it and had pretty much decided "No". Well, yesterday I was mentioning it to Mom and she had a very annoying reaction to it. I had been thinking of making a GF care basket. Her comment was not to do one for that but for a "good cause" like for children. Well, this got my back up, so I've decided I will MAKE the time somehow to do it. Hey, I'll have my normal bus rides, the plane to and from Atlanta...

I'm going to be offering a set of stitched cards. Here's the link: 8 Cross-stitched cards

Luna Lovegood!

Okay, I just have to pass on this picture of Luna Lovegood from Half-BloodPrince. I found it on The Leaky Cauldron site. I want those specs!

There are a lot of other pictures from the new movie. Check them out.

Not a Grandma day...

Grandma's sugar will not remain stable today. It's bottomed out at least twice. She's currently eating a tomato sandwich that she argued about with Mom. She says the tomatoes are choking her. She argued with Mom about drinking some juice and actually fought with her about the sandwich, saying it was poison.

Today is not a good day for her.

Lincoln ran away!

Well, Scranton has made the news again, this time with a mystery. AOL and other news services are passing on the story of our missing Lincoln monument. It was dedicated with much fanfare in 1909, was still present for part of the 20's and then just disappears. The current theory is that when Lake Lincoln was expanded, it was removed and the bust was either sold or put in storage somewhere.

Maybe with the increased coverage we'll find out what happened to it.

Live Long and Marry

Here's a link to a livejournal community that one of my favorite authors, Tamora Pierce, is offering some goodies for auction in. It's called Live Long and Marry. The community/fundraiser is for groups fighting the marriage amendment in California. Here is info from the site:

"What is this? Live Long And Marry is a fandom auction to benefit marriage equality. Bidding begins on July 1, 12:01 AM one minute after midnight Pacific Time, 2008, and closes on July 15, 12:01 AM one minute after midnight Pacific Time, 2008. Please do not bid until bidding opens.

What's the cause? The auction will raise money for the fight against the California initiative which will legally destroy existing same-sex marriages and ban any further ones. If the initiative passes, it will write discrimination into the state constitution, annull existing marriages, and make Mr. Sulu cry.

How can I help? You can bid on fanfic, original fic, vids, cookies, memorabilia, critique/betas, and much more! Or you can offer your skills and services as a writer, vidder, baker, knitter, or whatever else you'd like."

Obviously, the originator of the community is a Star Trek fan. As most Trekkies know, George Takei, our beloved Sulu, has finally been given the chance to marry the love of his life, Brad Altman. It constantly amazes me that people see no problem in denying other human beings basic rights. Let's fight this amendment in whatever state tries it but first, in California.

Right now I'm trying to figure out what I can stitch to offer for an auction.

R.I.P. Don S. Davis

About six or seven years ago, I finally got into Stargate. One of my favorite characters is always going to be General Hammond. He was just stern enough to call SG1 (usually O'Neill) on the carpet and just mischievous enough to let SG1 get away with what they did.

I'm going to miss Don S. Davis. He died on June 29th of a massive heart attack. He will be missed.

Grandma is going down to TAFH's today. Thank the gods. She's been okay lately, but the idiot aunt of mine made sure she told Grandma before she left two weeks ago that she was coming down. So, Grandma's been asking every day, multiple times when we were leaving. ARGHH!! We had all agreed that Grandma wouldn't be told if she was going down, that it would be a surprise. So, of course my aunt the PhD can't remember this. *sigh*

I was going to go down with them, but when I got to work today and tried to clock in I realized I was four hours early. I'm going to get home after Mom and Grandma leave. Yeah, Mom's thrilled. I just hope it stops raining before I have to leave, because I'm going to be walking home.

I'm off tomorrow and closing Saturday. So, I'll be able to enjoy some of the block party and do mondo research at the library.

Now, if the caregiver could just get here, I may not be late after being four hours early. She's already half an hour late and was woken up by Mom's call fifteen minutes ago. She was supposed to be here at 6:30. I just hope she doesn't do the whole shower and major grooming thing. Just throw some clothes on and get here. I only have 25 minutes to catch the bus.

Highs!

Okay, these have been a good couple of days. Granted, Grandma is a bit pissy that she had to leave TAFH, but it's dealable. Of course, there is also the annoying fact that my oldest brother saw me both Saturday and Sunday and still didn't wish me Happy Birthday. *sigh* I guess I really didn't expect more.

The reasons these have been a good couple of days are:
1. Went out on Thursday night and saw Indiana Jones (loved it) then stayed out really late. We went to Poor Richards for karaoke night. I did not sing, having no desire to witness anyone's ears start bleeding.
2. Went out Saturday and watched Iron man for the third time. We saw the shield and analyzed possibilities for the next Marvel movies. I also managed to mail dad's father's Day card before I got my birthday card! Oh, and I bought Kingdom Come at Comics on the Green.
3. Today I got a birthday card from my little brother! I also got one from my dad, but to be honest I'm totally psyched about the card from L'il Bro.
4. Also, Grandma's starting to become a little more human. One day. This is a record. I just wish she'd stop closing the darned doors. We need the breeze in here.

I'm watching TLC for some reason. The show I'm watching just featured my company. Thank the Gods, the aisles were neat.

Robins Away!

The robins are all gone. The last one flew away two days ago. It took her a bit to get started and she sort of flapped around the porch floor for a bit with Mama watching her. However, she finally flew from the edge of the porch to the hedge across the street. Mom and Grandma want to block off the ledges so birds can't nest there again. I figure we should let them nest. We can repaint the porch, after all. I'm outnumbered, though, so I imagine we'll be blocking it off soon. :(

Coffee Crazy!

Okay, let me get this straight. Dunkin' Donuts has pulled a Rachel Ray ad because Michelle Malkin and her crowd decided that the paisley scarf she was wearing for the shoot was really a keffiyeh and, as such, is wrong to put on television post 9-11. Give me a break. I would say that, for this sheer stupidity, Dunkin' Donuts has lost my custom, but I never went there anyway. Yeesh!

Birds Away!

I took some pictures of the robin chicks on my porch and boy, was Mama pissed! She even tried dive bombing me to get me to go away. Here they are, Mama and chicks (Isn't the speckling incredible?!):

Vain, Dead Relatives

Man, talk about vanity. I do the family genealogy. It's a lot of fun, even the various roadblocks some of my more idiotic ancestors toss in my way. Take this one, for example. One of the branches consisted of one large group of sisters living together in the 1930 Census, after both parents had died. They were all adults. Now, I had already gotten the 1900 and 1910 Censuses and used those dates for their birthdates. After finding the 1930 Census, I noticed there was something really off. Every single one of the females had knocked at least five years off their ages. One knocked off a whopping eight years of hers and her husband's ages. Argh! If I hadn't had the 1900 Census with all of them listed and using my keen powers of deduction (How could their parents plan to perfection what children they'd have and what genders in the next decade?) I'd have been just the teeniest bit confused. As it is, I'm just annoyed.

The only possible explanation other than vanity is if the census-taker asked a neighbor. I find myself hoping it was that, actually. Not that it matters.

May I scream now, please?

The last couple of days have been really good; Grandma Days. Then there's today. She made it upstairs while I was watching national Treasure 2 and has now realized Mom has moved into "her" room. She's not happy. I went downstairs about fifteen minutes ago to make dinner and found her eating about 1/4 of the 8-inch, gluten-free cherry pie that we bought on Sunday that still has to be cooked!!!!! This is, of course, all she wants for dinner. I raised my voice and used the f-word, so she's pissed as hell at me. Well, I'm pissed at her. I already warned Mom she's angry about the room switch. Mom is so fed up with this bullshit that she's ready to tell grandma to go to Hell and we'll move out. I think she really does mean it this time. I know I am. I want to get away from this existence so badly I can taste it. My coworkers and friends have no idea how I've lasted this long. I think I must be a masochist. That's the only explanation.

On a good note, Kim's coming over so we can reserve our hotel and flight for Dragon*Con. I hope the wireless extends to the porch, because I don't feel like being stared at by a bitchy demented old bat.

Mom's home

Mom came home Tuesday. The diagnosis has ranged from a TIA to a migraine to the earliest stages of MS. She has a bunch of other tests to go through and we'll see.

Happy Mother's Day

This has not been a good day, well, weekend. TAFH came in Friday night. Cool beans, right? I had to work and had a pretty good time, actually. Then, Saturday morning Mom and I took off for breakfast downtown. We had a nice meal. She left to work a bake sale and I went to the library to research. While there the author of I Heard You Paint Houses gave a talk on his book and the various mob connections in the area. After that I went to see Iron Man again. Sounds pretty good, right? It was. Friday night and Saturday morning were the best part of my weekend.

Right after the bus pulled out of downtown to go to the mall so I could get to work, I got a phone call. Mom was being driven to Mercy Hospital from Honesdale because her leg wasn't working right. I just stayed on the bus and rode it right back to where I'd gotten on, making a number of phone calls the whole trip. It's a damn good thing I finally put minutes on the silly cell phone Friday night! I had been down to 10 cents. My brother and I stayed at the hospital until it was clear she was being admitted. They ran the usual gamut of tests minus the MRI. That is scheduled for tomorrow. It turns out the neurologists believe she has complex migraines. She has a history of migraines, so this really isn't too much of a shocker. We found this out this morning.

Mom's Mother's Day hospital stay isn't really the bad part and as I'm typing this I'm calming down even more because the whole weekend could have been so much worse. The problem stems from TAFH's OCD anal-retentive fucking attitude. Obviously, I had a disagreement (to be polite) with the woman today.

It was all about the house. She insists on cleaning, or re-cleaning, the house every time she comes in because we don't do things to her exacting standards. She calls it "a pig-sty." I am "lazy" because I don't clean it from top to bottom, just the way she likes it, every day. I will freely admit I don't clean as much as I could or even should. I refuse to run the vaccuum and do the dishes only when I absolutely have no other choice. I'll do anything else, though. The house may not always be immaculate, but it's always at least neat.

Now, in her defense (sort of, since she was only using it as an excuse for her normal behavior), she kept insisting that the cleaning we had to do was all for Mom's benefit, because Mom shouldn't have to come home to it. Well, after an hour of being pecked at I decided to leave the house. Without doing what she wanted me to do. I did some of it, gathered my things and told Grandma I was going for a walk. She followed me out the door and tried to tell me off. I am proud of the fact that her face is all still in one piece. If I could have, she'd be sharing Mom's room due to extreme bodily trauma and I'd be sitting in jail right now, happy as a clam for finally tearing her smug, superior face and attitude to shreds.

My only regret right now is that I broke down and told Mom what happened. Mom's in the hospital with migraines brought on by stress and work and I had to add to it. Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I'm sorry. My brother, who was told by TAFH what happened, asked me not to say anything a bit too late. He was surprisingly restrained in what he said to me. Other than telling me I have no common sense, as usual, the ass, he told me I had to control my emotions. I told him I control them a heck of a lot more than he thinks I do. I need to use better judgement, though in when to control them according to him. Usually he just comes solidly down on TAFH's side, so as annoying as his "advice" was I was proud of him for not just jumping on me totally.

I told Mom as I was walking to the crick. There's a spot there that I can sit and relax. Today I cried a bit with Mom on the phone and then by myself. Then a wind came up as I was sitting there with my eyes closed. It dried my tears and kept going until I felt some of the pain lift away. Between it and the sound of the water, I was able to calm down. I'm still upset. I will be for a while, but not nearly so much as I was. I may not be the most devout Pagan, but every once in a while They make Their presence known and I'm grateful for it.

I wrote a lot more than this while I was sitting at the hospital with Mom and my brother. I'm much calmer now, though and don't need it all written out.

TAFH is giving me the silent treatment and she and Grandma have gone to visit Mom. I warned Mom and told her to be nice. She said it'll be difficult, but the pain and drugs will mask any distant behavior, I think. She's more upset with TAFH than me. I just have to get through a few more hours and TAFH will be gone and all will be back to normal. Well, as normal as this household gets. I imagine Grandma will have words for me.

Iron Man

Okay, I just have to say that Iron Man rocks! I loved this movie. I really want to go see it again. I don't say that often.

I won't give anything away, but you simply must stay after the credits. If you don't, you'll miss something great.

Feminism

One of my favorite authors is a proud and unabashed feminist. She doesn't just admit this fact, she glories in it. She has blogged about why she calls herself a feminist at least twice in the time I've read her blog. Each post has been beautifully eloquent. My only problem is that I fail to see why she must explain herself. Why aren't we past the attitude that feminism is bad?



Here's my take on feminism. It's one of the many, interconnected ways we of the greater society will achieve equality for all people, not just women. My idea of equality is that each person will bear the same rights and responsibilities under the law and in society's eyes. It's an all-inclusive cultural attitude change.



There is nothing evil about feminism, just as there is nothing evil about not being a feminist. To those of us who actually call ourselves feminists and work, in whatever way, to achieve the equality we seek, non-feminists just don't get it. Of course, to them, we don't get it! It's reaching the happy medium between the two attitudes that's the real trick. One of these days it may actually happen. I just hope that I'll be around to see it.



I'm sure some people will never agree with the ideas that women have the same abilities and ambitions as men. I'm even willing to accept that there will be individuals of both genders that will refuse to change and will keep teaching archaic attitudes to their children and grandchildren. As long as they aren't too obnoxious, I can deal with those people. I do it all the time as it is.



Amazing, isn't it, that I started out writing about why I felt Tammy shouldn't have to defend her strong feminism and I ended up writing a post defending it myself. Obviously, even those of us sure of our beliefs when it comes to feminism still feel we have to defend it. Even though there's nothing wrong with us we still get treated to such flattering terms as "feminazi" or "man hater" among others. Such labels are, of course, used to make us stand out and feel lessened in the eyes of ourselves and society. Obviously, it's successful to a degree. You know what, though, it just makes us more determined to make the good chamnges we see as possible in society.

Rationality vs. Irrationality

Mom is expecting rational behavior from an irrational person again. TAFH told Grandma she'd call. She hasn't, therefore Grandma is angry and bitchy and taking it out on us. I want to just call TAFH, but Mom keeps saying Grandma "has to realize she can't take things out on us."

Hello! She's demented! That's what she does.

Mom's gone to work, so I'm going to disobey her and call TAFH anyway. I'll just lie and say she actually called here. It's either piss off Mom or keep dealing with a pissed off Grandma. Frankly, I deal with Grandma more often, so guess which option I'll choose.

*snort* I'm 31 years old and still worrying about pissing off my mother. I'm pathetic.

I am good. The weather is simply gorgeous. It's warmer outside than in. So, to get Grandma to go outside, I washed her chair off and told her how warm it was. This, of course, didn't work. I didn't expect it to. What did work was telling her that if she wasn't going to go outside, I would. Her natural bitchiness, er, I mean contrariness, means that she would go outside then to kick me out of "her" chair.

It's about damned time she got outside. Supposedly it's going to be nice tomorrow, too. Maybe she'll start cheering up a little bit. She may not stay outside for long each time, but she will keep going out and in and out and in and out...

It's getting bad. TAFH was in this weekend for my cousin's baby shower. Before she left yesterday, Grandma was crying. Then she was extremely difficult when it came to taking her pills. It took until nearly midnight. I got so little sleep I was even a little late for work.

Today she wouldn't eat, so her blood sugar plummeted, of course. I got some spaghetti in her, but she must have eaten it too fast because she threw up a bit of it. So she had to screech at me when I asked her if she wanted anymore a couple hours after she'd recovered. She did eat a pear for me, since her sugar was only 81. Then argued about her pills tonight. She has taken them, but it took about an hour and her bugging at me.

It's just so frustrating. She obviously wants to go. What can I say to her when she says she wants to die? I gave her a kiss today and her comment was that that wouldn't help. In my mind I know she's ready to go and that it would be a blessing for everyone, most especially her, but I mourn her everyday already. My Grandma has been gone for a while. She just visits periodically and then is replaced again by Mrs. Hyde.

I know there's nothing I can do but try to take care of her and keep her happy. I just wish there was more I could do.

As Yoda would say - Scranton really sucks sometimes.

Pissed off, I am.

Scranton has an ordinace requiring a City Archivist. Guess what we currently do not have and according to the secretary I spoke with, we haven't for quite a while. Dammit, I need information apparently only said non-existant archivist can help me with!

If I had time, I'd volunteer for the job.

Of course, that means they'd have to find the missing boxes of documents that might contain the very documents I need.

Jaws and cheezy movies

I have mentioned before my love of cheezy sci-fi movies. I just watched Rock Monster and am now watching Kraken. Two Jaws references in two movies. Yeesh! At least they're recycling a great movie rather than a bad one.

Part of the scene where the villagers in Rock Monster are trying to figure out what to do was lifted from the scene where Quint is introduced in the town meeting. This time it was Jon Polito throwing a firecracker instead of fingernails on a chalkboard to get attention. He even used the line "You all know what I do."

In Kraken, the young dude who was just playing tonsil hockey with the professor's assistant uses the "We need a bigger boat" line in a totally inappropriate place.

Gods, I love this type of movie.

S.E.X.

I've stashed lately. A lot. I bought three patterns from Heaven and Earth Designs and ended up with four by mistake:

I meant to buy Kissing Frogs, College of Magical Knowledge and the Story storykeep. The guys at Heaven and Earth Designs sent me the first two and the Spirit storykeep instead of Story. When I let them know, they told me to keep Spirit instead of sending it back, like I thought I should. Cool. I like it.

I also bought a few books from Ollie's, mostly Christmas designs. As if I really need more of them, but I found a nice pattern for a Mrs. Claus doll I may use.

I finished the golden eagle/flag pattern for one of my co-workers. It turned out so well, I'm remaking it in 16 count for myself. My brother is probably going to be deployed to Iraq again in September, this time for a year. I'm thinking of making it for him for Christmas to put up in his quarters there.

I should even be receiving my fabric for Stargazer and Fairy Moon soon.

Now, if I can just finish that stupid baby blanket in time for the munchkin to be born, I'll be happy. I've given up on being done by the shower.

Alright, Governor Paterson

I just have to say, I love this guy already. He actually used the phrase "AN historic", instead of "A historic" in his speech.

Good luck, Governor.

Chippendales

Oh, I just have to say, I had a blast at the Chippendales show last night. I would definitely go again. My only complaint was that they didn't show enough skin. Take those thongs off, men!

If you follow the link, look for Kevin West. He was my favorite, reminding me of Brendan Fraser - my true lust. Definitely honorable mentions were the emcee Devin Michaels (Gods, how I love Asian/Polynesian men), the blonde Kevin Art and the singer/lecher Bobby K (who was having so much fun feeling up the ladies he might actually be straight).

Grandma returns

Well, she's home and not too pleased with the new floor, even though she helped pick out the color and everything. Even though she says this one is "okay", she says the old floor wasn't bad. You couldn't get it clean! TAFH enthused over the floor, but even that didn't help. I know it's part of the disease. She hates anything we change of hers. She thinks we get rid of all of her stuff and seems to think we want to get rid of her or something.

When we talked about it last night she actually said the old floor wasn't that old. It was put in before I was born and I'm 31! The floor in the pantry has holes in it. We're not going to use the same laminate we did on the kitchen, though. We found a better, more waterproof one for the bathroom and pantry with the same colors as the kitchen laminate.

She's just not that happy right now. Of course, part of it is the fact that she's no longer with TAFH. I actually told my aunt once that if Grandma could replace Mom and I with her, she'd be on top of the world. My aunt only looked at me.

Mom and Grandma are watching the parade right now. Hillary's not there yet. Please, please, please let the drunks keep it low-key. All we need is for Scranton to be remembered forever as the Drunken City.

I'm going back to my stitching program now.

The Vacation is ending

Grandma comes home tomorrow. The floor in the kitchen is done, but for the trim. It looks pretty good - so much better than the old linoleum.

It's actually been a pretty good week even though I really thought I'd catch up on missed sleep and that didn't happen. I found corroborating evidence on a relative's death date today and on Tuesday I identified the last printer's mark in my twelve-year research project on the marks carved into the Albright Library. Monday, Mom and I went to Hillary's speech. I was impressed. I have a few questions and still want to hear Obama speak, but at the moment, I lean toward her.

So, add the stuff from the other days to the feeling of accomplishment in getting the floor done and having it look so pretty, it's been a nice little vacation.

Did I mention that I'm going to the Chippendales with friends tomorrow night? Too bad you can't tuck the money in the g-strings anymore. And I've been invited to a party next Saturday. It never rains but it pours. I go from no social life to a crapload of things happening at once. Weird.

B Movie Predictability

I must say, I love horrible sci-fi and horror movies. There's nothing better than watching gallons of fake blood spurting out of the shoulders of a moron who just stood there silently screaming as an ogre bites his head off. If they're stupid enough to just stand there then they deserve such a fate. I just have a question. Why don't any of them run? Hello, ogre here about to chomp your head off and you just want to stand there? Cool, pass me the mustard to go with the Heinz 57 the Sci-Fi Channel bought by the vatful.

I must say, I really do love the leaf pattern back-scales on the CG ogre. And why a loincloth? Does an ogre whose sole purpose is to eat a villager once a year really bother with such niceties?

And everybody just poofs away happily. Of course, the good witch is given just enough time for a tearful and meaningful goodbye to the two heroes. Now, how are they going to explain away their friends deaths and the theft of the police car? No answer, just a ride off into the sunset fadeaway. Those two are going to be locked up for life.

Now it's on to a gargoyles attack film I think I've seen a million times. Ya gotta love a mob of villagers with pitchforks and torches accompanied by crossbow-wielding priests.

Thank the gods for the Sci-Fi Channel and its Saturday monster flicks.

Evolution Rocks!

I found an interesting blog entry today about teaching evolution in the classroom. As I am a "devout evolutionist" I felt I should share in the fun.

Greg Laden - Teachers Under Fire

Also, here is a link he shared that looks very cool.

Lords of Avalon, Sword of Darkness

I forgot to add this. I got my copy of SK's Lords of Avalon, Sword of Darkness #1. I liked it. The artwork really does suit the story and they seem to be keeping the storyboarding neat and clean without sacrificing too much of the novel. Kerrigan was a lot of fun - actually, he still is. Now I just have to figure out where I'm going to store comic books in my way-too overpacked room. In about a year and a half, I've managed to collect three omnibus editions (and want two more). Getting individual issues and finding a safe place for them is going to be a challenge.

For more information on what I'm babbling about: LOA

Family tree fun-time

TAFH is here, so I was able to go to the library yesterday for research. It was a good day. I found the one thing I needed to connect a family to mine, so I now have a new great-great-great aunt, as well as a new cousin in the form of a girl I played with all of the time when we were kids! I also spoke to my godmother and she's going to find out if any of the relatives know anything about a baseball team a great great uncle of mine played on.

I do have one gripe about genealogical research. It's that damned 1890 Census! If it hadn't burned to a crisp there are so many answers it could have provided me. Why, oh why, did Pennsylvania have to be one of the areas that burned? The southern states do me no good! *sigh*

I'm a little excited about next week. The plan is that on Friday Mom will drop Grandma off to stay with TAFH until the following Friday. So, if the plan goes right Mom and I will have a week off. Mom has taken the time off as vacation time and will be working on the kitchen floor. I will, of course, be unskilled, unpaid labor in between going to work at four every morning. Mom says I'll have time to do research. I'm not too sure about this, of course. However, Saturday morning I'm planning to be out of here before Mom can get me. Oh, and I'll try to tag one of the weekdays for research after work. How successful I'll be at my attempts to escape laying down flooring every day, I'm not sure. We'll see.

Movie Night and Tunes

I'm doing a happy dance to the sounds of all of my music at the moment. My IRS return was in the bank last night when Kim and I went to the movies, so we took a detour and bought my iPod! It's a black 80 gb, which will be more than sufficient for my purposes and allow me to download podcasts and such. So now I just have to upload about 250 cds onto the silly thing.

After I bought my new toy we went to the Cinemark and had to choose between Vantage Point and Jumper. We really wanted to see both...so we did! I paid for the tickets for Vantage Point and Kim paid for Jumper. Before we went to Vantage Point we got something to eat: almost $6 for a hot dog with no bun, bag of chips and they forgot my pickle. Oh, well. It was a fun night.

Vantage Point was the best of the two, although I did really like Jumper. If you haven't read anything about Vantage Point, here's a small warning. The movie is told from the perspective of about six or seven people or groups of people, hence it resets at 11:59:57 every fifteen or so minutes until the last where all is told. It resets about five times. The audience we were with didn't know this. It was so funny. The guy next to me told his wife, "I didn't know it was Groundhog Day." Most of us were laughing or groaning when it reset, including the guy next to me. Kim caught something in the promos I hadn't so she figured one thing out before I did, but I figured a different twist out before she did. It was fun and very well done. The resets serve the story extremely well. I'll be buying it.

Jumper is a fun adventure. Hold your breath for a scene in Tokyo. Whew! Samuel L. is, of course, awesome. Does he ever do a bad job? If so, I need to see it. I think Christian Haydensen had fun with this one. The idea itself is neat. If you could teleport yourself anywhere in the world, where would you go? We were talking about it after the movie. Kim brought up the fact that you'd never be late for work. I like that. I, being the pathetically devoted person I am, said that my first visit would be to the crown and torch of the Statue of Liberty. That would be the only way I'd ever see them because the stupid National Park Service won't open her up to the public like they should, the jerks.

Anyway, back to the uploading. It's going to take me a few days to get everything on there and sorted.

Baghdad blog

I just have to pass on this blog: Baghdad Burning. It's amazing. The author has moved to Syria and the last post was made in October of 2007, but reading her earlier posts are stunning.

the house needs fixed... ;p

Mom is making plans again. Supposedly Grandma is going to be going to TAFH's house for a week in March. Mom has taken it off as a vacation week (she gets two, the *itch!) and is going to be working on the floor in the kitchen. Personally, I would wait until we were sure the skunk had moved out of the crawlspace under there, but that's just me and my wish to never be sprayed by one of the little stinkers. She says I can have some time to go to the library for research, but we'll see if that actually materializes. I have a feeling I'll be doing a ton of repair work instead.

To be fair, the floor needs to be replaced. It's old and looks it. The idea is to replace the kitchen flooring and at some point this summer, raise the floor in the bathroom, fixing the shitty remodel my uncle did years ago and give it a new floor as well. Thanks to the skunk we also have to dig up the foundation of the house, add 15 inches of galvanized steel around it (and out, like an L) so the little buggers don't crawl under next winter. Oh, and did I mention Mom's plan to use chicken wire instead of galvanized steel for the front half of the house that the skunk has never approached before? It'll be less expensive, so hopefully we can do that for a good bit. That $600 rebate is all spoken for.

If I listed all of the items that need to be repaired in this house, any reader would blanch. A partial list reads thusly:
1. replace floor in kitchen, bath, pantry
2. raise floor in bathroom and repair the bathtub/shower area so it stops leaking down the wall
3. finish the ceiling in bathroom
4. reinforce the porch which is being held up by crumbling bricks
5. replace porch steps
6. fix upstairs windows to block off the holes my uncle left that you can see through right to the outside

Should we just demolish the house and start all over?

PC? What's PC?

I must share these hilarious Pre-PC ads from Asylum.com.

Time is Unimportant

I've come to the conclusion that we should no longer tell Grandma if she's going somewhere until it's literally time to leave. This includes weekend trips to stay with TAFH. She's driving me nuts.

Almost every hour she's asking if it's time to go yet. She keeps putting on her shoes (or only one of them) and takes off her Lifeline pendant. Her pills and apron have been packed a number of times. *sigh* No matter how often we tell her she's not leaving until Thursday, it's just not sinking in that today is NOT the day she leaves. I suggested to Mom once that we mark big X's off the calendar, but she told me she doubted Grandma would even look at it. She's right.

Beyond that, she seems to be really spiteful lately. She's also upset with Mom for working nights so often lately. Mom can't help it. She lost a manager and has to take up the slack. Oy. I need a few days off. We're even having caregiver trouble right now an d have none for the week at all. In all likelihood, I'm going to be calling off work Thursday and making up as much of it as possible by working as late as I can stand it on Friday. It never rains, but it pours.

I hate dementia. I want my Grandma back.

Successful Recipe

I made some Au Gratin Potatoes tonight from a recipe I found on a website. Grandma wanted seconds!

I fiddled with some of the ingredients to make sure it was GF, but it still turned out well.

May I repeat? She asked for seconds!

Poison Gas

FYI - If you use a homemade recipe to get rid of skunk smell don't mix Aldi's Reeva Citrus Splash dishwashing liquid, chlorine bleach, water and baking soda. Mom just tried and we had the whole toxic gas thing going on. This, of course, happens right as the lady comes to give Grandma a bath in the same bathroom Mom just gassed. Thankfully, the lady was pretty cool and had done something like that herself once.

We're not quite positive as to what caused the interaction, but don't even try it. We think it was the Reeva since it probably has some acid in it to give it the citrusy smell.

Belated Blog for Choice

I missed it. In my current self-absorption I missed Blog for Choice Day. Let me link any of you readers out there to a particularly wonderful installment by one of my absolute favorite authors and stunningly eloquent feminists: Tamora Pierce.

For the record, I'm happily Pro-Choice. I simply feel that each woman should have the right to make her own decision about whether or not to carry a pregnancy to term given her own financial, familial, religous, philosophical and ethical beliefs. No person, religious group or governmental agency has the right to tell me what I can do with my own body.

I do wholeheartedly admit that I would prefer an adoption be the result of an unwanted pregnancy. There are many women who cannot have children and want them. If a woman can carry the pregnancy out, then cool. There is still nothing that should force a woman to stay pregnant when she has compelling reasons not to.

Oh, that line about choosing life because my mother did...please. My parents planned me and my brother.

Grandma Update

I have been remiss in posting lately. Part of the reason is my genealogy research. I'm trying to get as much of my old information recreated as possible. I've also just realized that the library is open until 9pm on weekdays, so for the last few weeks have gone there a total of four times when Mom is home! My computer just makes it so much easier.

The other part is that I just haven't felt like being online and sociable. Grandma took a really bad turn and I've been sitting downstairs after work with her rather than going up to my room and doing whatever. She needs help getting off the couch a lot. She wanders from room to room for no reason. She stares and stares and stares at me while I'm stitching or plugging away at my computer across from her. *shiver* It's creepy. When I have been online, I've briefly looked at my livejournal friends list and played Runescape, which I am working really hard at NOT allowing to become an addiction. I actually let my email build up over a week. I had 500-some when I finally checked it a week ago.

I will admit to being somewhat selfish and hogging the remote. The only time she said anything about it was when I had Spaceballs on. I just figure if I'm going to be sitting there waiting to wait on her, I'd better at least get to watch what I want, darn it.

The doctor told Mom Tuesday that she's at the stage that we should just try to make her comfortable and not stress her. That means we shouldn't insist too hard when she doesn't let us take her sugar or give her pills or food. *sigh* I'm not quite able to just let her blow us off completely like she wants to do. He said she could go fast or slow, but her body is winding down. *snort* I could have told him that years ago. These last TIAs really did some damage, though.

Part of the problem is the Winter. She always goes downhill in the Winter. She perks right back up in the Spring, though, so I'm not marking her down for the count yet. If she makes it until Spring or Summer, I anticipate having to go through this again next Autumn and Winter. We'll see what happens.

Oh, and she's back to her nocturnal thing again. She sleeps all day and wanders around all night. A few nights ago we heard a crash at 12:03 AM (I looked at my clock). I heard Mom getting up so I just fell back to sleep. She told me the next morning that she found the tray table next to the couch on the floor and one of my cousins' pictures next to it. She asked her why it wasn't on the wall and Grandma replied that she had been trying to make sure she could save all of her pictures if the house was on fire.

This is the kind of behavior and reasoning we're seeing a lot more of.

Grandma and Little Brothers

I got sleep. I actually got pretty good sleep while Grandma was gone. And I was able to run errands and do things without watching the clock. There were a few moments of stress on the day of her non-return because TAFH and one of the cousins decided she'd come home today, but didn't bother to tell us until about 7pm Sunday night. I had given up and went out to play Settlers with friends when TAFH finally called and apologized for just forgetting. However, Grandma's now home and just ate ALL of her dinner! It was corn, ham and kartoffel-knodel. She ate it all and she's actually hunting for more on the plate.

Mom and I took the kids to Honesdale and the Alpine Inn on Saturday. She wanted the two of them to pick out fabric for quilts she wants to make them. My niece chose a pink, flowered print (shock and amazement) while my nephew chose an awesome dark blue and grey grass-like print. We have to see if we can find it somewhere else since there wasn't enough at Amy's. The shop is called Mountain Quiltworks and is quite cool. We got Lachschinken!

Anyway, I met my youngest brother for the first time today. I like him. I was so afraid I wouldn't or rather, that he wouldn't like me. He was pretty cool for an eleven year-old. He even wanted to meet Mom. He likes a computer game called Runescape and was at least vaguely interested in history and even the family history. I gave him my email and phone number and told him to use them if he wishes. I'll leave it in his hands. I hope he uses them.

She's back from Hell and I wish she'd return!

Well, The Aunt From Hell is officially back in action. I just got home about fifteen minutes ago. She and Grandma haven't left yet. I went downstairs after changing and she asked me about a bill. I replied that I wouldn't know because noone trusts me to do anything about them. She said, "Well, you never do anything so why should anyone trust you?"

I guess devoting practically all of my time to grandma's care is nothing. I guess making sure she's fed, dressed and her sugar is normal is nothing. I will admit I spend most of my time upstairs and not downstairs waiting on her hand and foot, like TAFH does when she's visiting or Grandma's visiting her. I control enough of her life, I'd prefer we have some illusion of freedom from each other. No, I don't clean the dishes unless forced. Nor do I run the vaccuum unless forced. But I clean. I pay or contribute to all the bills but her medicals. Obviously, it's nothing.

If it were nothing then I'd damn well go out every night and actually enjoy my so-called life. I'd have a date and maybe have the opportunity to meet some nice guy before they're all married and I'm old and grey (getting there on the grey front). I'm 31 non-fucking years old and for nearly all of the last five I have devoted myself to the care of my grandmother.

But I do nothing, so there's no reason to trust me. I wish it would do any good to yell at her, but it wouldn't. She's never wrong and any reaction other than "Yes, drill sergeant, how high?!" is you over-reacting and being unreasonable for not seeing the True Light of TAFH's Infinite Wisdom and Superiority. Gods, I wish they would just leave already.

I will not be telling Mom this one. She's already on a short rope and she's having a decent holiday now. Telling her this before she really gets her time off from Grandma would ruin it. It has for me. I was nervous enough for meeting my little brother for the first time in both of our lives. This has my stomach in knots. Sometimes I truly hate that woman.

Not too bad a week overall.

Okay, I'm apparently a grandchild again and Grandma now wants to get me a gift. She doesn't remember saying what she did, of course. *sigh* Shoot me if I ever get this bad.

The kids are in and I just want to hug them and never let them go. We're taking them to Corning and the movies while Grandma's away.

Christmas is almost over and I got to avoid working with the co-workers who have been annoying me for the last month on Friday. I may get to do the same on Monday. Yippee!

Not too bad a week, visits from Mrs. Hyde and co-workers getting on the very last shred of the very last nerve I possess aside.

Oh, and I'm going to a party tonight. Of course, I didn't anticipate seeing Kim and the others before Christmas, so their gifts aren't finished yet, but I think they'll understand.

Plus, I'm making go0d progress on the Chameleon and my genealogy work (Re-work?!).

Christmas Shopping Hell and how to cope with it

I have come up with quite a few coping methods for dealing with Grandma and the fact that I'm essentially under house arrest for the duration of her care.

The first and easiest is to turn on the television to the History or Discovery channels, A&E for CSI:Miami, Spike for Star Trek or CSI, Sci-Fi for a bunch of different shows and cheesy-good movies. Watching one of the movies in my rather large DVD collection is the other option. Nothing cheers me up better than watching 1776. While I'm watching those I'm also on the computer or stitching something.

The second is to turn on music. How can you possibly feel down when you're listening to Big Bad Voodoo Daddy or Tom Lehrer? Of course, I'm on the computer, reading or stitching while listening to said music.

The third would have to be the computer. Now that I have a genealogy program, I use that a lot. Before, it was mostly surfing or trying to write. Of course, the television or music is on in the background.

So, the fourth one is stitching. It makes me feel like I'm putting my confinement to good use. It's something someone will hopefully love and find either useful or beautiful. What I make should cheer them up. Also, I have this little problem called ADD. I simply must be concentrating on more than one thing at one time to keep sane. Weird, I know.

The fifth is reading. I pretty much ordered these in reverse, saving the best for last. I have actually been stitching more than I've been reading lately, but reading is and always will be the most important. I've read since I was two years old. I literally cannot remember ever not reading. While I may have the music on while I read, it's the only one of my coping methods that I can do without one of the others. I can and usually do read without anything to distract me at all from the story.

This little exercise in self-discovery came about last night. Mom, Grandma and I went shopping for the last of the Christmas presents she needed to get everyone. I pushed Grandma around Penney's and we picked out the items for three of the cousins (1,2 and 5). Grandma was told by TAFH (who is really much nicer anymore, but I keep that tag only to continue descriptive purposes) not to get anything for cousins 3 and 4 because she was going to get them gift certificates and put Grandma's name on them. Then we went to pick out Mom's present.

While we wandered that way, we figured out that the only people left after Mom were my brother, me and his two children. Grandma said she wouldn't get the kids toys or clothing. Well, what's left? As for my brother and I, suddenly we weren't grandchildren and were getting only her traditional $5 gift in our stockings. A short argument/discussion ensued which she completely blew off. Mom and I gave up and Grandma and I went to get Mom's present while Mom made herself scarce. We got it and afterwards I managed to convince Grandma that we could at least go over to the men's section and see if anything jumped out at her for my brother. Mild drama (her picking at me and my taste in everything, as usual) and we got my brother a shirt.

Then I suddenly realized she hadn't gotten anything for TAFH's hubby-type-creature (who should be sainted for living with her if they were actually Catholic). The men's t-shirt and underwear area at Penney's is not conducive for shoving a wheelchair around, let me tell you. However, we finally settled on something and Grandma paid for her booty. We left the store without anything for me or my niece and nephew.

As we walked to the food court where I was about to have a piece of pizza and damn the gluten consequences we tried again to convince her to get something for the kids. She insisted that they weren't grandchildren, even in the face of the great-grandchildren argument. Apparently, my nephew made the fatal mistake of saying that he'd put the $5 he got last time in his piggy bank, which impressed the hell out of Grandma. I guess she thinks this means he will only want that, even though he really loved and squeed over the toys and books he got last year. She totally ignored the fact that they're kids and will want something, anything to rip open on Christmas.

Anyway, I got my pizza. Mom stole a bite and even though she hadn't wanted any, she got one for herself because it was soooooo good. It was ham and cheese stuffed pizza. I finished mine and she brought half of hers home to eat today at work. As we wandered back to Penney's so we could get to the car, we passed Gertrude Hawk's. I stopped and asked Grandma if she wanted any Smidgens, but she said she wanted fudge. I got two pieces of fudge for her. This did not please Mom, who is justifiably upset that her child and grandchildren don't seem to rate in her mother's eyes. I just figured it would be nice since she doesn't get Gertrude Hawk's very often, you know. Mom and I had already decided to get gifts and put Grandma's name on them for the kids. I did tell Grandma that she had damn well better treat cousin 2's kid the same way she treats my niece and nephew. But she won't. She'll dote on the little mite when she's born. It's predictable.

When we got home, I read. I didn't bother turning on the television, even though I knew I'd be missing two of my favorite shows: Numb3rs and Stargate: Atlantis. I read a book I had just gotten at Target when we stopped to get Christmas cards. It was a good book, too. Lara Adrian's Midnight Awakening. I could have turned on the television and stitched, but I chose to read and miss shows I ordinarily am very annoyed if I miss. I guess Grandma's attitude really got to me.

Oh, I told Mom this morning not to get me a gift and put her name on it. As an experiment, I want to see if anyone will notice that I am the only person without a gift to open on Christmas. Maybe then they'll believe me when I tell them some of the things she does. If they even notice, which I really doubt. TAFH might notice, but that's it. She actually believes us when we tell her some of the things Mrs. Hyde does.

The worst part is not that she doesn't think we deserve presents. It's that lately she's been pretty good. Mrs. Hyde has poked her head out briefly each week, but not to this extent. Not even after her fall. We've been joking this week about the present she'll get me. I keep joking she'll get me a book or a gift certificate for a book and she does her whole too many books routine. It's a running gag. Well, I guess the joke's on me, now.

Sleeeeeeeeeppppppyyyyyyy

Grandma fell today. She's a bit confused. She knows she's going to one aunt's house for Christmas, so she keeps getting her shoes on and getting upset with us for not bringing her over, even though we have two weeks yet. She also knows she's going to TAFH's house after Christmas and keeps asking about that. Then there's the fact that Mom was going to take her to the bank today, which didn't happen because of the fall.

Lately, she's had a lot of trouble getting up from the couch and needs a hand up nearly every time. She's calling for Mom or I all night and for the stupidest things, like just wanting to find out where we are. Sunday she called me from the front room because she needed to go to the bathroom and thought she needed help walking there. It's a shorter distance from the couch to the bathroom than it is to the monitor she stood in front of to call me! If I stay downstairs, she tells me to go upstairs but if I go usptairs she thinks I sleep and won't hear her when she calls me. I slept two hours Sunday night and about four last night. I only slept that much because I slept in an hour and was late to work today!

On the other hand, she does really well late at night. Her internal clock is totally gone. She sleeps all day and stays up all night. She's aware and alert at night rather than the daytime.

Argh! Now she's on about my laundry again. Can I help it that we do not have a clothes dryer and I have to put my laundry on the radiators to dry? If I do more than one load of laundry every two weeks I get screamed at. Since it takes me about four loads to do all of my laundry every two weeks, I get in trouble a lot. I'm not even washing clothing right now. Mom's taking a shower, washing the dye out of her hair!

She was teasing us last night. It's almost like dealing with a person with Multiple Personality Disorder. She switches from totally apathetic to cheerful to the Exorcist all in half an hour's span! It's a roller coaster ride trying to keep up with her personalities and demands.

She's really sore right now from the fall and needs a lot of help. Mom has to work early so she'll be going to bed early so I'm going to have to stay up late again. I'm so exhausted.

Am I selfish to just want to sleep for twelve hours and have everyone leave me the bloody hell alone!? Mom intends for us to replace the kitchen floor while Grandma is gone to my aunt's after Christmas. We know she's going for a week, but she thinks it's for two weeks. In a way, I sincerely hope she's right. I could use two weeks vacation. One week is nice, but two weeks would be utterly amazing.

I know it sounds like I don't love her. I do but it's exhausting keeping up with the dementia and her physical limitations. Gods help me if she gets worse...when she gets worse.

Family Tree fun

I've been slacking on my stitching. I bought Family Tree Maker on Thursday and have been trying to get as much done before my thirty-day trial with Ancestry.com runs out. I just found out that it'll be $30 a month if I keep the subscription going. I think I'm going to do it. I can afford it if I cut back on something else, probably stitching stuff. I'm finally doing what I wanted my laptop for. Now, if I can just gather all my genealogy research from the many corners of the house it's been scattered to since I've not been able to do anything with it, I'll be all set.

I'm tired and I'm sore. I wonder if this is even worth it.

Toys for Tots and Punk bands?

I'm deaf in one ear. I spent the day yesterday with a few friends at The Backstage in Kingston. It was a benefit for Toys for Tots called Christmas for a Cause. Lots of punk bands, my friend's band Devils Are A Girls Best Friends and a few very uncomfortable-looking Marines hanging out for a good cause. It was great. I heard Kim's band, some of Sorrowsun, The Cutters and Lugosi's Morphine. I think I liked The Cutters the best of the Punk bands.

LM was good except for the fact that as I was standing by the wall avoiding the lemmings having seizures I started getting dizzy when they hit a certain rhythm. There must have been something in the pitch they were using at certain times that was playing havoc with my inner ear. Weird.

First snow of Winter 2007 - picture heavy

It finally feels a little like Winter. Enjoy some picture love:

I took these last night while it was still snowing. All three were shot with flash at about midnight. Great time for photography, right? Well, I actually like the effect. You can see the snow coming down in the second shot by the streetlight. It almost looks like rainfall.

Yes, I decided to risk being covered in cold, wet, white stuff and stood under branches taking this shot. These were all taken this morning.

This would be the local RC church, Holy Rosary. I forgot to turn the photo before I uploaded it, though, so if you would kindly tilt your head to the side, you'll see it quite nicely

These are just plain neat. First, nothing can kill Mint: not snow, not frost, not even a drought. I love this stuff!

Then there are the berries. The colors against the white and dark are so cool.

And there is the really fun wildlife shot. Usually I can never get these little tree rats. They move before I get them. He stayed still until I moved in for a closer shot, but I already had one. Yay!

I love this one. It's just so moody.

B12 and Caregivers

This newest post was going to be all about how much I love B12. We've been giving Grandma a B12 shot each month for about a year and a half now and she's always a little better right afte the shot. Well, we recently began giving her B12 pills to supplement the shot. Oh, boy! Mrs. Hyde is making a lot fewer appearances lately and those times she does visit are a lot shorter. I might start taking the stuff myself.

Now, to those of you dealing with caregivers that come on while you work, what do you do when this happens? On Mondays, I go into work late, losing my $1.50 shift differential, since Mom has to be at work by 3am and my shift doesn't start until 4am. You know we'll never find someone to start at 4am so we schedule the caregiver to come by 6:30. I call for a cab to get here around the same time the caregiver should be here. Sometimes they (both cab and caregiver) can be a little late, so when the cab gets here, I go, depending on the caregiver to be there a few minutes after I leave. This did not happen today.

I called the house a few times and Mom once before my shift was supposed to start at 7am. J was still not there. So, I told my bosses that I was going to go home, stay with Grandma until J got there, then come back ASAP. I got home in 45 minutes. It's a ten-minute drive by highway, but a 45 minute to an hour walk home. I'm already beat. And J still is not here. I called her cell, but got no answer. I called Mom and she told me to giver her an hour to respond, then call Telespond.

I can't afford this shit. I need to make money ($10 of which I just wasted on a cab ride) and do my job. My income may not be as great as my mother's but a lot of the bills and resources are still paid by me, aside from my own bills like loan payments and medical. Now, my bosses were actually rather cool about it this time. They tend not to like it when I have to call off to take care of Grandma. Not that they're threatening to fire me, but you know that look your boss or another person in authority gives you when they're not happy with you? That's usually the look I get when problems with Grandma-sitting arise.

I called her as soon as I got in the house: 7:45. She still hasn't called back. Twenty-five more minutes and I have to deal with the wonderfully communicative people of Telespond (please note the heavy sarcasm).

I'm going to be working until midnight tonight to make up my time. :(

Dream Home

Is this not appropriate? I follow up a whiny/rant post with a rather cool meme...

Your home is a Time-Lord's Villa Your kitchen consists of dilithium-powered food replicators, manned by obedient robot slaves, who are sure to never, ever rebel. I mean, it's preposterous to even consider it. Your master bedroom has an on-call masseuse and sports therapist. Your study has every science fiction title ever written. One of your garages contains a life-sized X-Wing fighter, and KITT. (KITT was a gift from a well-meaning uncle.) Your home also includes a robot repair bay, where your mechanized servants are routinely fitted with new restraining bolts. (It's just a precaution.) Your guests enjoy your animatronic replica of the cantina at Mos Eisley. Outside is your radio telescope, listening constantly for alien transmissions. Especially invaders. They'll come eventually, even if nobody believes you. (Nobody does.) Below is a snippet of the blueprints:

Build YOUR Dream Home!

My Normal Day and errata

Monday: work from 7 to 3:30 (this will be switching to Wednesday after Thanksgiving); go home unless I'm sure Mom is already home, then linger at Borders for as long as I possibly can; feed Grandma dinner between 5 and 6pm, take her sugar around 8pm and give her pills, watch Chuck, try to fall asleep by 11pm.
Tuesday through Friday: work from 4 to 12:30; head home and run any errands I can on the way (must be there by 2:30pm) - If I walk to the mall I can spend some time at Borders. If I take the shuttle I just go straight home; feed Grandma dinner between 5 and 6pm, take her sugar around 8pm and give her pills, try to fall asleep by 11pm. On Fridays I watch the Sci-Fi channel and Numbers, so I tend to stay up until about 1am.
Saturday and Sunday: wake up by 8/8:30 or Grandma will wake me up just to see if I'm "ever going to get up at all" that day; take her sugar and give her pills, feed her breakfast; feed her again around noon or 1pm; feed her between 5 and 6pm; take her sugar around 8pm and give her pills; fall asleep whenever on Saturday, but by 11pm on Sunday.

As you can see, the tasks themselves aren't monumental. Grandma is able to go to the bathroom by herself usually, wipe herself and feed herself (without too much of a mess). We have a woman coming in Tuesdays and Fridays to help her bathe, since she refuses to for us. We have caregivers coming in for the times Mom and I are both at work. There is plenty of time for me to do housework if I get truly motivated - dishes and vacuuming are inventions of the devil. In fact, all I really do is stay at home or go to work - very little else.

The problems arise in getting Grandma to do the things she has to do and the general bad attitude she can have during the day if you somehow annoy her (sooooo easy to do). When you ask her what she wants to eat, her standard reply is "Nothing." So you tell her she really has to eat. "No, I don't." You run through the list of things in the house to eat and she doesn't want any of it. Finally you get "I don't care" for the answer of what she wants to eat so you get to go into the kitchen and look through the list of things you just told her about and that she doesn't want and figure out which one she'll actually eat without you having to make two or three dinners before you get to the right one. Then there are the foods she has inhaled all of her life that she suddenly takes a massive hatred to. Currently, those would be pierogies and anything with bread.

You get adventures in her taking her pills. The water must be fresh (I agree with her) even if she left over half a glass of water from her morning pills. You pour a glass of water, stick some ice in it (or not) and put it in front of her. Then you shake the pills from the container and tell her it's time to take her pills. "I have all day to do that." "Um, no you don't. Take your pills." "I'll take them when I feel like it." At this point you can either argue yourself blue in the face or just walk away. I just walk away anymore and check in half an hour. If they're still there, then I prepare to argue.

Fresh clothing every day...novel concept. Doesn't happen. If we can get her to change her clothing three times a week, that's major. Same with brushing her hair. She changes and brushes her hair when the aide comes to bathe her. Beyond that, if we go somewhere she'll have to make an appearance other than stubbornly sitting in the car, she might change her clothing depending on how much food she's dropped on it. She definitely brushes her hair then, at least.

I know that last paragraph makes it sound like we neglect her or let her stink. Hell, no. We've just learned to pick our battles. As it is, Grandma's main activity in life right now is sleeping on the couch. She gets out of bed about the same time I go to work and shambles into the living room where she proceeds to spend the next eighteen hours or so snoring on the couch. Around 10pm she'll go into her room and sleep on her bed. That's her day. During the summer she might sit on the porch and people-watch a bit. She wakes up periodically to watch some television, eat and go to the bathroom. However, my grandmother's life has gone from active independence to sleeping practically 24/7.

I love the days when Grandma is around, not Mrs. Hyde. Well, maybe not love, but enjoy a heck of a lot more than the days I feel like I'm doing this for nothing. When Grandma is around it's completely different. She still may be limited in what she can do, but she's nice and laughs and talks to me. She doesn't tell me to go to my room if I try to feed her food or her pills. She's the woman who used to beat the pants off us at Rummy. She's the woman whom I chose as my Confirmation sponsor because I respected her so much (even if the Confirmation didn't actually stick). She's the woman who worked in a factory during WWII and made my Grandpa chase her not once but twice to get her to marry him. She's the woman who called my father "Wee Willie" even though he's 6 feet tall. She's the woman I want to be when I grow up. She's the woman who finds enjoyment in the fall foliage and gets a laugh out of the kids playing at the park across the street. That's my Grandma. That's the woman I love and will mourn when she dies.

I just have to try not to remember the woman this stupid disease has left in her place half the time. The woman who yells at me for no reason other than one locked only in her head is not my grandmother. She's someone the disease has created. She is Mrs. Hyde. I know it sounds dramatic to say that, but it's true. In the story Dr. Jekyll went from a brilliant, decent man to a monster; a person who hurt people because it was fun or they just didn't matter. That's what dementia has done to my grandmother. It has a way of taking away my Grandma and replacing her with the monster. I know it's the disease doing the yelling. I know it's the disease accusing Mom and I of moving her things or throwing them away. I know it's the disease that makes me feel like she hates me and couldn't possibly love me. The problem is that the disease is looking out of my Grandma's eyes and the words are being said using the voice of a woman I thought loved me. It's hard to separate the two women and be understanding like I'm told I have to be when all I want to do is curl up in her arms and cry because she's my Grandma and she's supposed to be comforting me, not the other way around.

NaNoWriMo

Well, I've signed up for NaNoWriMo - National Novel Writing Month. The goal is to write 50,000 words between November 1st and November 3oth. It doesn't particularly matter if the writing is good or not (whew!) as long as you write a large novella of at least 50,000 words. I have been doing something I never do: outlining. Which might be why I never finish a real story, actually. I think this one has a good idea behind it.

You know how everyone says to write what you know, well right now the thing I know best is caregiving, so that will have a major element in my story. For scenes with my heroine's grandmother I probably won't even have to stretch my imagination too much. I can vividly recall arguments and conversations with Grandma now, so I can just recreate some of them. Although, I think my heroine's grandmother might be slightly nicer. After all, noone would believe the truth, would they?

Anyway, I'm at the U right now, polishing up the outline and updating my NaNoWriMo page with title and such (and wasting time blogging). Mom says she's taking Grandma out for a spin today. Oh! I have to call her and tell her to go to the Alpine Inn and get some KinderEggs since she's going towards Honesdale anyway.

She said maybe, maybe not. Now she's not sure she's going at all since Grandma is still sleeping. I swear, the woman needs to get out of the house. Actually, both of them do. I told Mom she should call her friend to go out tonight, but she blew me off since Sinspired and I might possibly go somewhere, even though I told her Sinspired is busy tonight and we're not going anywhere tonight for certain. Jeez, you'd think the woman actually doesn't want a night off.

Oh, I'll probably be using Shadow's Words to update the WriMo, if anyone is interested.