Saturday, February 11, 2006

Stir, Whip, Stir, Whip, Whip, Whip, Stir. Beat!

Well, after much wrangling and an almost Abbott & Costello-like routine where Kim and I realized the only free time we had in synch for the next two weeks was last night as we were talking, we finally watched The Star Wars Holiday Special. I have to say it was worth the giggle time, but oh my Gods, it was SOOOOOOO bad. It was worth the five bucks just for having finally reached the pinnacle of bad movies. It now tops my list, even over Eegah and Rites of Dracula.

Let's see, as Kim will no doubt note in her blog if she does one, Bea (commentator crediting her as Bee-a-tris) Arthur was the best part. Her role as no-nonsense bartender (Ackmena) with a soft side was perfect for her. She has a song as she's trying to usher her patrons out of the bar when the Empire implements a curfew. Even better, she has a love interest! Harvey Korman plays Krelman, a lovelorn alien with a convenient hole in the top of his head for pouring drinks in. I guess it's handy when the love of your life pours drinks for a living.

Harvey Korman has two other roles. One is as a video instructor. He teaches Chewie's son, Lumpy (yes, I said "Lumpy") how to make a miniature transmitter to get rid of the stormtroopers that had been searching the house for Rebel propaganda and tools. Harvey's instructor role might have been the inspiration for Max Headroom. Tic-tic-tic-tics included. Of course, the dimwit stormtrooper opened up the secret panel, looked at the transmitter Chewie's family had hidden and then closed the panel up again, leading me to believe he either didn't see it or was secretly a Rebel himself. Of course, I think he's the one that took a header off the treehouse later, so I think he was just stupid.

His other role, the second best character on the show, was as Chef Gormaanda. I've been trying to figure out how to describe this role. I think the link does it better than I ever could. I just have to say two things the link doesn't. When the third arm comes out Gormaanda adds "beat" to her little chant and the person working the fourth arm seems not to realize where Harvey's mouth is and instead of tasting the "Bantha Surprise" he gets smacked in the face every time. Maybe Gormaanda is Krelman's long-lost cousin and her mouth is really on top of her head. This scene, by the way, is the source of this blog's title.

There were three other guest stars: Jefferson Starship, Diahann Carroll and Art Carney, yes, Art Carney, the Die-Hard, Blade-Running, Honeymooning action star plays Saun Dann, a Rebel trader who keeps trying to sell the Commander of the Imperial troopers a leather ID case . In his defense, he was trying to get the Imperials out of the house before Chewie made it home. He also brought gifts to everyone, including Lumpy's transmitter, a video player for Mala (Chewie's wife) to watch Jefferson Starship and a special video for Itchy (How can I say this with a straight face? Chewie's father) to watch on a VR-ish machine.

Saun Dann had one of the Imperials watch Jefferson Starship's song to prove that the gift wasn't dangerous. *sigh* Let's just say it wasn't one of their best performances and it probably would have been better with the introduction of special brownies, if you get what I mean.

As for Itchy's gift, well, this introduced Diahann Carroll's character, Mermeia. She seems to be a water-dwelling beauty right out of Itchy's most pornographic fantasies. The song isn't that bad, actually. It's just, um, a little out of place, given that this was supposed to be aimed at kids. Itchy was having a very good time, though. Nothing like watching a hare-lipped Wookie in the throes of, let's stop this thought right now. It's too scary. Kim and I just kept looking at each other in astonishment that it was even happening.

Let's see, have I missed anything? Oh, yeah. Our favorite Star Wars characters. They reused lots of footage (some repeatedly) from the first movie. Han and Chewie are, as usual, trying to outrun some Imperials. Han's best line and pretty much the only one he has is this: "Why do I always think that taking you home for Life Day is gonna be easy?" I guess he and Chewie go through this every year.

Mala, after getting a message from Traffic Control, contacts Luke, where he's trying unsuccessfully to repair an engine. This was before Empire Strikes Back and after Mark Hamill's accident, so they had him heavily made up and filmed him from one direction. There's a noticeable ridge of skin/make-up on the right side of his face, just where the lighting stops. Make-up and lighting did a pretty good job hiding it, actually. I only noticed it because I'd read so much about the make-up job and wanted to know what the deal was.

As for Leia, well, she seems to think that a couple of huge critters who can tear limbs from sockets actually need a hairless, physiologically weak, older human to be wise enough to protect them. Oh, and she can sing! Sorta. She gets to sing the Wookie's Life Day song. Which is good, because none of us humans can understand Wookie.

While the Imperials were tearing apart poor Lumpy's room and favorite stuffed bantha (I want one!) he was blissfully watching a cartoon about his father and the gang and how they first met Boba Fett. Again, I don't know how to describe this one, so I'll refer to and their bit on it one more time. Just so you know, though, this is Han Solo. The others at least look human, if a "tad" wide-eyed (drugged-out!). Ma baby Han looks like he got his chin trapped in the same machinery that supposedly got Spock's ears in "The City on the Edge of Forever."

All told, The Star Wars Holiday Special was one of the best bad movies I have ever seen in my life. It was cheesy, the special effects sucked. there was no script to speak of, really - and I had a great time watching it! If you love Star Wars and actually have a sense of humor about Jar-Jar, then this is the bad movie for you. However, I think I'm going to watch Jaws right about now. Maybe Close Encounters. I'm in the mood for a good sci-fi movie right about now, which precludes whatever the Sci-Fi channel is about to show for their Saturday movie. Or maybe an adventure...

Cheers and I'm off to watch Pirates of the Caribbean and drool over Johnny.

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