I feel selfish right now. Aunt L called and told me Grandma would be out of the hospital today instead of tomorrow and my first reaction was joy that she’d be coming home, because at this point there’s nothing short of dialysis they could do to get her creatnin levels where Dr. Sethi really wants them. However, my next emotion scares me. I was annoyed that I wouldn’t have just one more day to myself. She was in the hospital for almost four days. Surely, I am not so petty and cold to wish more of that on her. Am I?
I have this trapped feeling when I think about the fact that I have to stay here with Grandma. But when I do have time away from her, I barely know what to do with myself. It’s like my entire world revolves around her. My entire being is geared toward making sure she’s alright. Making sure she takes her pills, eats, is warm enough. I can’t even think about what to do when it doesn’t involve her. I did go out with Kim the other night and a few weeks before that Mom and I went out to the movies.
My stomach is in knots as I write this. She’s sleeping on the couch across from me and I’m looking at her. She’s finally breathing silently. She wasn’t before she went into the hospital, the fluid in her lungs wouldn’t let her. But now I keep looking to make sure she actually is breathing, she’s so quiet. It’s eerie.
Am I a horrible granddaughter? I have information coming from online colleges so I can go back to school as I grandma-sit. What’s wrong with me? Or is anything wrong with me? I never wanted to be a caregiver, not like this. But I took it on as my responsibility, and now that it’s tough I want out. Is this just being human? Or is this being weak? Does the fact that I’m still here (and Mom, too) mean we are actually being strong about this? Or are we just planes in a holding pattern and don’t know how to fly away or land?
Personally, I want to fly, but Grandma is here, so here is where I stay.
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