Someone kindly tell me what I did in a former life to deserve this one. I am getting more and more discontent with this whole babysitting grandma bullshit. Actually, I passed discontent a couple of years ago. It's so hard to maintain a positive outlook on life when the only thing you can be positive of is that you will wake up around 3am, go to work, possibly get a chance to chill at Borders for 45 minutes to an hour, come home and stay in your room waiting for grandma to actually need you. This is your life every Monday through Friday. Every weekend, you get to be the one making her breakfast and lunch and usually dinner, because your mother, her daughter, works most weekends so she can have a day off during the week in which she takes care of grandma. For this round the clock care, you get emotionally and verbally abused by a woman succumbing to dementia and diabetes. Your relatives treat you as if you should be thankful because, don't you know, you're getting a free place to live. Excuse me?! Grandma pays three bills, all directly related to her individual and specific care. She pays for her health insurance, the caregivers that come in when we have to work and her meds. Lately, Mom and I have paid for a lot of those meds and we're going to be taking over all of the taxes this next year.
I have no life. I have few friends. I have no boyfriend. I have no college degree, hence no future doing what I love to do. I feel like any time and money spent on myself is basically theft. I have arranged to take sewing classes. This will cost $75 and will run from 6:30 to 8:30 pm every Wednesday for the next 5 weeks. Mom has to make sure she can be home those nights. I get a small opportunity for self-improvement, but Mom hasn't had any time out for herself lately, so I feel like I'm being selfish in that I'm taking time that she could be using going out. Even though she doesn't.
I'm whining. Oh, woe is me, poor me, my life is so hard. I have a job. I have food (even if a lot of it is poison to me since grandma won't eat GF for us - only TAFH). I have a place to live. I have some spare money for hobbies. I may not have a lot of them, but the friends I do have are worth their weight in gold-pressed latinum. There are people out there who have none of the above and don't whine. So, that makes me selfish for whining in the first place, I guess. You know what? Feck it. I want to be selfish in this. I'm getting the raw end of the deal here. I spend more time with grandma than anyone else in the family and my only reward is abuse. I think I have a right to vent a little.
Here's a list of what I want:
1. Master's Degree in Library Science so I can make something of myself.
2. A boyfriend. Lots of wild monkey sex would be really nice. He should also have a brain that functions well above his shoulders, if I'm not asking too much.
3. Time to myself. Time to do what I want to do. Time in which I am not tied to a baby monitor waiting for my grandmother to call my name. Time in which I do not have to rush home every day and could go downtown and research if I so choose.
4. A relationship with my family that doesn't send them running the other way if I call them because I might be calling them to ask for help with their mother or grandmother.
5. The opportunity to travel and have adventures. There is so much of this world I have not seen, even with the whole army-brat thing. I want to see Africa and Asia. I want to walk the Giant's Causeway in Ireland and bask in the glory of Stonehenge on Solstice. Oh, and I want to fly to these places myself, in my own plane because before I die I will get my pilot's license. Hell, just the chance to hop a bus on Wednesday morning and take in a play in New York or visit my friends in DC would be exotic travel at this point, yearly vacations notwithstanding. Mom and I earn those vacations with every hole we bite in our tongues and every tear we shed silently when we should be trying to get sleep so we don't imitate the walking dead at work the next day.