Body and self-worth

I have never hidden the fact that I am fat. I never will (as if you can). A few posts on the assorted blogs and some new blogs that I read have tackled this issue lately. The topic started on some comics blogs: Tamora Pierce post #1 (in which Sinspired, Morchades and a host of other favorite feminist and comic bloggers make guest appearances) , Carla Lee post #1, Tamora Pierce post #2, Carla Lee post #2, which introduced me to this ad campaign: Fit Light Yogurt. Compare and contrast this insulting tagline: “Forget about it. Men’s preferences will never change. Fit Light Yogurt” with Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty.

Maybe it's just me, but I don't want to be skinny. I don't want to be fat. I want to be healthy. I want to be in that middle of the road point where I can look at myself and say, "You're healthy, happy and a good person. That makes you truly beautiful." I honestly feel just as sorry for too-skinny women as I do for women like myself that are too large. Both of us have problems that we need to overcome before we get healthy.

Sure, I'd probably enjoy it if I were one of those women whose optimal shape/size was a slender size two - for a little while. However the trade-off for that is the fact that they tend not to be as strong or tough as me. (Disclaimer: Tend not to be! That certainly doesn't hold true for all!) I'll take my increased muscle and bone mass over dainty looks any day. It's more useful. Hell, I've been a size ten and looked like a walking skeleton. No thanks.

I certainly don't think a person should be happy with their weight if they are truly overweight or obese, but I do feel a person should be able to be comfortable in their skin. People (male and female) shouldn't have to worry about that extra five pounds being so important that they have to starve themselves to lose it because the opposite sex won't like them anymore if they're *gasp* fat. A child should never have to be afraid to go to school because they'll be picked on if they don't fit into the Barbie/Bratz/Superman/Mr. Universe mold. Any debate or right to debate should never be contingent on one of the parties' physical appearance. Read Tammy and Carla's blogs if you haven't to get this reference.

Sorry if this is disjointed (it is). I'm tired and want nothing more than to seek my bed.

guilt

I almost deleted my last post. I've felt terrible for pumping out so much vitriol, but I needed to and still feel some of it, so I won't. It's just taken me a few weeks to get up the nerve to post anything else. Maybe it just took something really getting me pissed. Other than my brother essentially taking over my house and controlling the way I live and function in it for the last two weeks and the next two months.

Anger Management?

I'm angry. I find myself to be so angry I could spit nails. It's not even because of any one thing. It feels like everything is just pressing down on me and I have no way of relieving that pressure.

Mom has today off, so she and my brother are going golfing. I'm angry that she gets to enjoy her day off when I usually spend mine watching her mother while she's working. Then I'm angry at myself for even thinking that way, because she usually spends her days of watching Grandma while I'm working. My anger isn't fair. I guess anger isn't supposed to be.

I'm angry because my brother decided it's okay to lecture me about the house not being clean enough for his standards. He also wants to put my boxes of books up in the attic and down in the basement while the kids are here so there's more room. Lovely idea (phbt!) except for the fact that I would never get the damned things back down or up. If we put them in the basement, Grandma will have a fit if I dare bring a box back up. If we put them in the attic, she'll have a fit that they're even there. Also, it's much harder to get into my attic than the basement. I want them in my room, where I can get to them, t I just know Mom will side with him and we'll end up doing what he wants.

I'm angry because as my brother was talking to my step-sister on the phone he told her hello from me and she didn't even respond in kind. Not that I really expected manners from her, but they would have been nice. I'm continually angry that my cousins love to get together, but never invite me.

I'm angry because I really hate my period. I'm angry because yesterday there was a nice breeze outside, so I turned off the air conditioner and opened the doors and Grandma kept closing them and I kept opening them. I'm angry that I'm not losing any weight - losing inches, but staying the same weight. I'm angry that I keep pushing my goals in life back while I take care of someone else who is, frankly, too old to do anything else truly constructive in this lifetime. I'm angry that I'm 31 and have never been properly kissed and haven't even had a hug from a non-related guy in much longer than I can even remember.

It's all such petty stuff that's getting to me. Yet, at the same time, it feels so important. This anger feels important even as I know that it doesn't do me any good. A person can live without books (but who's want to?!), without dates *whimper* or nights at the bar with cousins. I could definitely live without my period. A person can ignore that annoying, arrogant, self-righteous pain-in-the-ass they call a brother - except he just follows you around and keeps talking and always acts like you're the irrational one.

*Sigh* I'm going to go stitch. I want to finish my Green Man by tomorrow.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

I'm tired. Mom's finally home. I'm going to bed.

Extremely late obit - Peter Stone

I'm watching the Tony Awards right now. I want to smack myself right now. I never knew that four years ago the writer of my favorite play had died. Peter Stone died April 26, 2003. He wrote the book for 1776 and the screenplay for the movie version. He managed to bring the Founding Fathers to life in a way most people can only dream of. I fell in love with this play when I was very young. It shows some of the flaws in those great men, as much as it shows their courage and resolve.

As an aside, John Cullum was nominated for a Tony this year, but didn't win. He played Edward Rutledge, the delegate from South Carolina in 1776. His musical number, Molasses to Rum, is an amazing piece of work, criticizing the hypocrisy of the Northerners over their stand on slavery. Sherman Edwards wrote the music and lyrics (d.1981). Cullum's nomination this year was for his work in 110 in the Shade.

Man, I've really been out of it this year. Roscoe Lee Browne died in April.

And I just saw the trailer for Hairspray. OMG! John Travolta and Christopher Walken. I'm adding a movie to my Summer list. I knew JohnTravolta was playing Edna, but I didn't know about Christoper Walken. And I can definitely see Amanda Bynes playing Penny. *sigh* I think this might actually end up being a "dream cast".

And she's off!

I think it's a record. Aunt L was in and out today in ten minutes. Bills written out, fruit in the fridge and poof!

Anyway, Aunt P is coming over later to take Grandma with her for a drive so I can go to Borders for a book signing. I'll have a few hours to myself and some fellow book-lovers.

I got a new DVD player to replace the one my brother bought me. It wouldn't read any of the DVDs I tried in it, so I switched it out with a Magnavox, instead of another Durabrand (Wal*Mart's store brand). I also went to Borders and exchanged the Superman DVDs for another set. When they manufactured the cases, they left some small bumps inside that scratched up the original set before I'd even opened it. The manager let me open up the new one and we had to switch out two DVDs with some from the original set because they were scratched, too.

So, I have to get Grandma ready by 1pm, feed her lunch and figure out if I can afford two books at Borders instead of one. Oh, I guess I should eat something myself befre I leave.

31st Birthday - two days late, of course

Well, on Monday I turned 31 years old. Usually my birthdays pass with very little fanfare. I get a gift from Mom, a card from Dad and occasionally a friend wishes me happy birthday. I really don't mind that. This year was different. I got a cake with ice cream and the works. Mom made me a GF chocolate cake with butter cream icing and vanilla ice cream. Then my brother actually got me a present. My brother got me a DVD player. He also bought me a DVD to go with it, from Playtime Boutique. He had me open it in the kitchen. It was hilarious. As I was opening it, we both kept looking at Granda to make sure Grandma didn't look our way and saw what he got me! Mom's present is apparently still being made. I figure she has someone making me a frog. Tee-hee :)

I like my brother's girlfriend. She seems nice and her kid is a real cutey, if much less adventurous than my niece and nephew. He's a heavy sucker. Mom and I ended up babysitting him while my brother and his girlfriend went to a movie. I don't know if she and I would be as close as my sil were, but as long as she makes my brother happy, then I will be happy to love her or at least like her. Besides, it's an easy way to get a new nephew.

So the materialistic part of my birthday aside, I guess it's time to look at last year's goals and see what I have accomplished.

Last Year's List:
1. Lose 100 pounds (at least) and get back down to a size 12. (And stay there for the rest of my life!)
2. Go back to college and get my degrees in History and Library Science. Once I get them and get a decent career I can go back for another degree like Anthropology.
3. This isn't really one I want to do, it's more like I have to: Learn how to drive a car so I can get my motorcycle license and a scooter. A motorcycle would be preferable, but a scooter would be sufficient for my purposes.
4. Learn how to speak ASL, German and Latin.
5. Have something published, even if it's just my stitching patterns.
6. Visit Ireland, England, Germany and Egypt (Along with every other country in the world and Antarctica! I'll just list those four as the major goals right now.)
7. Learn how to fly a small plane.
8. Learn sky- and scuba diving.
9. Get a cat and some frogs.
10. I guess I should add the old standard of a long-term boyfriend/husband and adopting kids even though I'm not sure they really are one of my life-long goals.

Well, as of this writing, they all stand - even though I have made progress on the top two. I haven't lost 100 pounds, I've only lost 20. However, I have dropped to almost a size 16. Another few weeks of careful eating should see me there. If I really start exercising, it'll go even faster... My loan rehabilitation program is almost complete, so I should be able to to get another loan from PHEAA for college in the Spring semester. There's a light at the end of both tunnels.

As for the license, well, I made an effort, but I needed to send in the birth certificate for my passport, so it's really not my fault ... although procrastinating so long probably didn't help. I should have my birth certificate before we go on the trip, so maybe I'll go for the written test before we leave. Maybe.

6 is actually going to be exercised on our cruise. I'll be visiting two different countries. Part of 8 (scuba-diving) might be accomplished before the cruise. Mom was talking about us taking scuba lessons before we go. We'll see.

To be brutally honest. I screwed up this last year. I could have made a hell of a lot more progress on 1 and 3. I still can. I need to make another goal, one obtainable to add to those from last year. I just can't think of anything right now. Maybe one of my friends will have an idea as to something I can improve. At the moment, I can only think of becoming more devout in my religion, actually observing all of the holidays with real rituals, rather than just simple ones.

LibraryThing Love

Okay, I have a lot of books. I'm already at 1310 books catalogued on LibraryThing and I'm not even close to being finished yet!

I love LibraryThing.

Okay, off to shower then watch the really bad version of Fantastic Four.

*cickclickclick*

Week in review, long...

This has been an interesting week - neither good nor bad, just interesting.

I managed to read quite a few books at Borders, including Transformers: Ghosts of Yesterday, by Alan Dean Foster. I bought the Transformers novelization by him to read at home. I also read the Prequel graphic novel at work, when I should have been putting it on the shelf. I couldn't help myself! It was like something else had taken over my hands and eyes and just wouldn't stop reading it. (Do you believe that? If so, there's a bridge I know of up for sale. Great price, truly.) Anyway, reading them is just making me want to see this movie even more. This is going to be a really good move summer. Between Transformers, HP, Fantastic Four and the new Die Hard movie, I'm going to have loads of fun.

I bought one of my Brit-stitch mags at Borders. There was a free Passione Ricamo pattern. She's gorgeous. I think I might show it to my niece and see if she wants me to make it for her in purple. The pattern is actually in mauve and pink. It's the full version of this one: Summer Lady. I also found an ad for a series of patterns that I really want to try "someday": Spirit Angels

Total aside: I just spoke to my cousin for over an hour. We ranged from the Supreme Court and Equal Pay to Darfur to Celiac to various relations to Guatemala to college and jobs and I absolutely adore this girl. I think she is my favorite cousin. She is passionate about causes and books. She can be petty at times (who isn't?) and is sometimes very silly (as opposed to my constant silliness...), but she is the one out of her sisters that I can trust to treat me like a normal person and not the cousin that no-one wants to deal with because dealing with me means dealing with Grandma.

What else happened? Let's see, I only worked 30 hours again, just like for the next two weeks. Target is keeping me at just over what I can claim on a partial. They did, however, give me more for the overnight differential. All of us who start work at 4am get it. It still doesn't make up for the time lost this last month or the fact that I have to get up at three in the frickin' morning. As a positive, I've had more time to myself the last few weeks. We've not changed the time I get home, even though I've been getting out earlier. The extra time has been nice. I could get used to it. I just can't get used to the lower wages.

I stashed a bit and went to Hancock Fabrics. I still want some of that linen on sale. *sigh* I might go there on Monday, since it's 60% off. Or Friday.

I wanted to get my permit, so I could say I'd gotten one of my goals for the year accomplished, but when I called I found out I couldn't yet. Apparently, I absolutely need my birth certificate (and a lot of other things!). Since Uncle Sam currently has it so he can issue me a passport, that plan is on indefinite hold.

Grandma has been decent. Her sugar has dropped mid-day lately, but it's so damned hot. Mom and I got the air conditioner in downstairs yesterday, so that should help. I'm camped out in front of mine. I like it. A lot. Aunt L came over to do the bills and I was able to make a quick run to the store for Grandma's soda while she was here.

There was probably more I wanted to note, but this is long enough. Enjoy the heat if you like it and the air conditioner if you have it. If you don't like the heat and don't have an air conditioner, I hope you're in the Antarctic!

Oh wait, one more thing! I saw that the Superman Ultimate Collector's Edition is back on the shelves. Now I just have to get the money for it quickly before they're all gone.